The Tabloid Tribune
The Tabloid Tribune is a series of light hearted publications made by Sir Paul, of the New Pacific Order. TTB takes aim in a humorous, sensationalist way at current events around the Cyberverse that are affecting the Order (or that are just plain amusing). The first 144 issues are associated with the Pacific Region of Nationstates and can be found here Issue #145 The Tabloid Tribune One Step Ahead of the Truth Since September 2003 World Edition - Pacifican Edition Published on June 24, 2009 Tabloid Tribune's Fourth Season Spartan Planes Flying Over Arseanistan in Celebration of the Relaunch of the Tabloid Tribune Springfield, SIR PAUL - After being on hiatus for several months, the Tabloid Tribune is back in action, releasing it's 145th issue. As many of you know, the various alliances of Planet Bob have been helping in the celebrations with fireworks and flyovers in nearly every nation in the Order. The Tabloid Tribune is happy to be back and will be upholding it's creed from the day it was founded by Pacifican Senator Bertram Strantous: "Honest Reporting for an Honest Reader. Honest." It is in that spirit that the Tabloid Tribune is launched. In keeping with other traditions, all images that require touch-up are done poorly with MS Paint, all authors are credited, and all quotes are taken out of context. With that, please enjoy our humble paper. Yours Truly and in before TWiP is better, Sir Paul, Imperial Clerk The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ Moo Declares Mission Accomplished in NPO-OV War The Emperor addresses Pacifican seamen in the Green Gulf. Duffys Doniker, Ordo Verde - With much fanfare, the Emperor himself flew into the Ordo Verde warzone and landed on the NPS Undefeated to greet the crew and let them know that the New Pacific Order's mission in Ordo Verde has been accomplished. The war started after two days of negotiations when OV diplomats informed the NPO that their spy would not be subjected to one round of wars. Just before midnight, server time, Pacifican Troops entered Ordo Verde, captured the spy, and subjected him to several rounds of war. Having punished the spy, the Order has achieved its objective in the NPO-OV war and has declared that the major combat phase of the operation is over. Pacifican troops are now exiting Ordo Verde and will press no further attacks within their borders. The Emperor stated that "our sovereignty is absolute and will be defended vigorously." While many accuse the Emperor of starting a war, some scholars believe that many alliances were attempting to provoke the Order into a war by infringing on sovereignty, as evidenced by the disappointment in this thread. Imperial Officers are currently working with an inter-alliance coalition on an exit strategy. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ New Pacific Order to Join Frostbite New bloc expected to be awesome Pierconium, New Sith Order - In an astounding breakdown in Operational Security, it was revealed that the New Pacific Order will become part of the Frostbite treaty bloc at the conclusion of the war. Tygaland, long known for his straight talk and devil-may-care attitude let slip the plan to eventually bring the New Pacific Order into the fold. The plot was first discovered by ChairmanHal of Valhalla, who kept dropping his nickels until all became clear. Frostbite consists of The Liquor Cabinet, the New Polar Order, the New Sith Order and the Siberian Tiger Alliance. Each group has been somewhat at odds with the New Pacific Order: :Electron Sponge, while leader of Polaris, systematically destroyed Pacifican allies GOONS and FAN and later helped lead the anti-Pacifican group Vox Populi. :Tygaland, leader of STA, started the Great Patriotic War, the only war that Pacifica did not win, and has been an outspoken critic of Emperor Revenge. :Ivan Moldavi, creator of the Moldavi Doctrine, Moldavi Rebellion and Moldavi-Mango-Mama (an alcohol-free beverage), has recruited Pacificans and fought against the Hegemony during the recent conflict. :AlmightyGrub, current leader of Polaris and former Arctic Champion, recently canceled his Pacifican treaty and formed a bloc with the aforementioned anti-Moos. While it may seem inconceivable for the Order to join a treaty with these four alliances, the move actually makes perfect sense: they've all worked together before, they all have a common ancestry, and they all are mistrustful of the Dutch. In a statement released by VektorZero, it was revealed that "the members of Frostbite and the Pacific Order believe that we've screwed each other so much that at this point getting married seems like the only practical course of action." When trying to reach Ivan Moldavi for comment, staff was told that he could not be reached due to a secret meeting regarding bringing the New Pacific Order into Frostbite. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN Relevant Link Category:New Pacific Order Category:News Publications Issue #146 The Tabloid Tribune One Step Ahead of the Truth Since September 2003 World Edition - Pacifican Edition Published on June 27, 2009 World Edition Now Censored For Your Protection You can't handle the truthiness Springfield, SIR PAUL - According to MHA Triumvir Crushtania, the Tabloid Tribune is dedicated to bringing you "complete and utter lies masquerading as Alliance Announcements." I would like to gently correct my right honorable friend and ally to inform him that the Tabloid Tribune has and will always hold the following creed to heart: "Honest Reporting for an Honest Reader. Honest." It is in that spirit that we bring the raw news to you, completely unaltered by thought, reason, facts, and proper spelling. Indeed, the entire Karma war is (so I'm told) about freedom of expression, and letting every person say what ever they wanted to without consequence. However, due to the delecate sensibilities of some parties, it has become clear to the editorial staff that the world is unable to handle the pure, unadulterated truth that springs fully formed from my mind, as Athena from the skull of Zeus. It is the Promise of Pacifica to promote "Peace, Strength, and Prosperity" and as such, the World Edition of the Tabloid Tribune shall be censored to protect the public peace. For those of you who are of stronger constitution and want to know what is REALLY happening in the world of Cybernations, please feel free to check out the Pacifican Edition of the Tabloid Tribune, exclusively offered on our forums. I thank the reading public for bearing with us as we make the transition to censored news, and promise that even censored, we shall stay "One step ahead of the truth." Best Wishes and in before #145 was better, Sir Paul Imperial Clerk __________ NPO-MK Upgrade Treaty to PITA Archon's Castle is prepared for the signing ceremony Pen Island, Mushroom Kingdom - As is known throughout the Cyberverse, the New Pacific Order and the Mushroom Kingdom are the best of friends. Together, they have a joint-powers authority that runs CN Radio, Bros and Dilber are regular drinking buddies, and the Peace Intelligence and Aid Treaty (PIAT) that binds them is one of the most famous on Planet Bob. However, all things must change and the relationship between these two alliances have gotten to the point that they have decided to upgrade the treaty. Lord High Vanguard of Mushroom Kingdom Gruthenia made a statement today acknowledging that "the agreement with the NPO is really a PITA. From the signing of the treaty to today, this has been the biggest PITA in Mushroom Kingdom history and I'm finally glad both sides are recognizing this obvious fact." Imperial Officer hawk_11 has similar feelings. "It seems every time I see a member of the Mushroom Kingdom post, I think of what a PITA it is to be linked to them." A PITA, of course, is a Peace, Intelligence, Truth and Aid treaty. The original PIAT had a clause that stated "Each member of each alliance shows general good will, and appreciation for the other." However, the bonds of friendship and brotherhood are so strong that the members can be honest with one another. Thus, the addition of the Truth clause, which lets the members tell each other what they really think of each other. The Order celebrates this new era of honesty and is excited that the PITA is real and present every day. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ CENSORED We're bringing CENSORED back. This article on CENSORED has been deemed inappropriate by CENSORED and as such is only available in the Pacifican Edition, which can be viewed here. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ The King is Dead? Long Live the Queen! Mary being coronated as Emperor of the Order Reporting from Francograd and Arseanistan - The Tabloid Tribune has received unconfirmed reports that Emperor Revenge, the Divine Bovine, Moo-Cows with Guns, the founder of Moo-Tang Clan, is dead at age 26. What is known is that the Emperor left the safety of Francograd to lead his home nation of Arseanistan in beating back the Karmic Horde. Sanitation conditions in Arseanistan are abominable as more tactical nuclear warheads have been detonated on their previous fertile soil than any nation in the history of Planet Bob. Due to this situation, the H1N1 flu was able to jump from avian to swine to humans to bovines. Upon learning of the Emperor's infection, the Imperial Clerk had laden two African swallows with a get-well bouquet of flowers and a request for an update from the Emperor's veterinarian. What returned was the Emperor's sash, stained with the Blood of Franco, Unlimited, Ivan, Dilber, and now Revenge. Taking this as a sign of the Emperor's death, or at least incapacitation, the Clerk, by tradition, presented the sash to the Regent in the North Tower of the five-sided fortress and said "You are Emperor now. What will you have us do?" "All that is required" replied Mary. She was later coronated in a public ceremony in the Body Republic and addressed the assembled members: "All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again. Today, Revenge has played the part of Franco, and I am playing the role of Poskrebyshev. Five years before, we were under siege. The enemy was at our gates. The world was united in the quest for our destruction, and our Emperor had died away from the Capital battling the unwashed horde. However, that tragedy rallied the people of Pacifica and we beat back the invaders, protecting our homes, our lives, and our freedom. "Today, it is my honor, my burden, and my destiny to wear this sash, to bear this crown, to hold this sword, and to lift these people known as Pacificans against outrageous odds, impossible numbers, and infinite hate. "Today, we fight as we have fought before, and shall emerge from this crucible of war not broken and scattered in a Diaspora, but strong and united as Pacificans." Mary the Fantabulous has the honor of being the first Female Emperor of the Order and fourth to lead the Cybernations Pacificans. She currently resides in Rothinzil, soon to be the most nuked nation on Planet Bob. oocThe Emperor has been hospitalized due to complications from contracting H1N1 and as such he is currently unfit to attend to matters of state. Please send all outragous demands to Mary, Queen of Pacificans./ooc --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN Issue #147 The Tabloid Tribune One Step Ahead of the Truth Since September 2003 World Edition - Pacifican Edition Published on July 5, 2009 Tabloid Tribune Now Accepting Sponsorships How else am I going to fund this damn war? Baldwin Park, California - With over one-third of the alliance below 100 infrastructure and the Order losing more national strength than any other alliance in the history of planet Bob, the funding needs of the Pacifican war machine are starting to outstrip available supplies. As such, the Tabloid Tribune is taking an unprecedented step and is now accepting sponsorships. Our first sponsors, In-N-Out, approached the New Pacific Order because of our similarities: We're both California based, we both believe in fresh beef, we both started a unique business model and are well-known pillars of the Community. According to Doug Wilson, "In-N-Out is independently owned by religious nuts that put biblical citations on the bottom of the cups. They don't franchise and they use fresh ingredients. They cook with Jesus." If you're in the Tri-state area (California, Nevada or Arizona) you can be blessed by a double-double animal-style or enjoy a milk-shake that's not extruded sweetened wonder bread dough. If your alliance is interested in advertising with the Tabloid Tribune, please send a private message to Sir Paul and be willing to give buckets of money when the Order needs it most. I'm looking at you Frostbite. Best Wishes and in before Five Guys is Better, --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ Red Team Rocked With Instability Students protest the illegal coup of Fire Lord Carter. DotaLeague, New Pacific Order Trading Sphere - One of the Promises of the New Pacific Order is to bring political stability to the Red Trading Sphere. However, the Emperor undermined that stability by reversing the longest standing doctrine on planet Bob. This unmitigated disaster had the result creating suffering across the sphere. Anti-Pacifican pundits have rightly blamed Emperor Revenge for reversing the Moldavi Doctrine which allowed these alliances to form, flounder, and fail. The first alliance to have major problems is Red Cross, which was formed to take down the Francograd wall. This confused a heck of a lot of people since it was declared a historic landmark by the Congress of World Preservation, but something there is that does not love a wall. Also, something there is that does not love the Red Cross, as the fledgling alliance has collapsed. The remaining citizens are now existing in a land without government and with Pacificans now following a policy of non-intervention, the humanitarian crisis in Red Cross has reached staggering proportions. We remind ModusOperandi that as Jesus gives In-N-Out the power of freshness, he can give your people the power to survive the turmoil. The second alliance to have a crisis is FIRE. One of the leading men and founders of FIRE, Carter, has been illegally removed from office. During the night, military strong men arrested Carter, drugged him, and awoke six hours later in the Mostly Harmless Alliance. Alliances from NPO to GGA condemned the illegal coup as an unfortunate throwback to the 2007s, when the last attempted coup on the Red Team occurred. In a statement, Almighty Grub expressed "deep concern for ignoring the rule of law and would be pulling all aid and ambassadors from FIRE until the constitution and Fire Lord Carter are unconditionally restored." Fire Lord TimLee remained defiant and stated that Carter "has been expelled from FIRE and will never be allowed to return." Whether this is an Eternal Banishment or simply a Permanent Banishment is yet to be seen. Regardless, it still sets a dangerous precedent in governance. To help the people of FIRE, In-N-Out will be dropping burgers and bibles over major population centers rocked with chaos. With so much turmoil on the Red Team, Ivan Moldavi must be spinning in his grave. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN Relevant Thread __________ Neutrals threaten to send strongly worded letter to NSO over recruitment TDO has moved to its highest state of preparedness New Aligned States, The Democratic Order: John Warbuck is not a man to be trifled with. Standing inside the Hall of Nonbinding Resolutions, where TDO suggestions are passed, he made an impassioned speech on behalf of his Order as well as The Green Protection Agency, the Green Old Party and Grey Council. He accused the New Sith Order, member of Frostbite, of sending recruitment messages to nations belonging to neutral alliances. John stated that the neutrals are sovereign and that by sending private messages the NSO had "interfered with that Sovereignty" which he further characterized as "an act of war". On behalf of TDO, John demanded an apology from "Ivan Moldavi, Doppleganger, and Viktor" although it was unclear if he wanted the physical nation of Doppleganger to give an apology as well as its ruler Viktor. Heggo of the New Sith Order replied that "The only people we'd be able to get would be non neutrals who don't belong in your alliance anyway." He continued stating that TDO can be neutral regardless of their size, while the Sith could use those nations to project power and that the situation is clearly a win-win for all people involved. In the post-hegemony era, it appears that while spying is NOT an act of war, sending private messages regarding alliance affiliation IS an act of war, and the much promised reign of free-speech has come to a sad end. MHA Triumvir Crushtania stated "Alliance member poaching is merely that; an act of aggression that should be put down and condemned." Sir Donald R Deamon, Chief Recruiter of the New Pacific Order has stated that the Order agrees with the Triumvir that this action is an infringement of sovereignty and will now be forwarding all of the messages that Pacifican Nations have received about their alliance affiliation to MDP partner Mostly Harmless Alliance. The Order looks forward to having the MHA help crush the several alliances who are violating the sovereignty of the New Pacific Order. If Ivan, Viktor and the physical nation of Doppleganger do not issue apologies for their actions, the Democratic Alliance is expected to send an even more strongly worded letter. However, an In-N-Out spokesperson who does business in the TDO stated that the Sith should be careful, because "they're not neutral, they're independent." --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN Relevant Thread __________ Sir Paul's Sing-Along War Report #4 *CENSORED* The above image is CENSORED because it is rated A for Awesome Francograd, New Pacific Order - The Imperial Clerk has released his latest sing-along war report, which can be found HERE. All sing-along war reports are available in this thread. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN Issue #148 The Tabloid Tribune One Step Ahead of the Truth Since September 2003 World Edition - Pacifican Edition Published on July 27, 2009 Secret Terms Prevent MK from Cancelling NPO PIAT MK instrument of surrender, written in invisible ink. Archon's House, Mushroom Kingdom: The Treaty of Green Mushrooms, the Peace, Intelligence and Aid Treaty between the Mushroom Kingdom and the New Pacific Order, has prevented war and strengthened the relationship between these two precocious alliances. However, during the Karma War, the Mushroom Kingdom informed the New Pacific Order that they would be canceling the treaty despite the fact that their brothers were in their time of greatest need. While notice was given, no official public cancellation notice was posted on the Open World Forum, which is required for the final dissolution. Many assumed that Archon and Bros were just lazy and that the treaty was dissolved without public notice. Many people are wrong. The fact is, the PIAT still stands because it is part of the secret surrender terms at the end of the War of the First Coalition. Written in invisible ink on nearly all Pacifican terms of surrender, countless alliances still have permanent terms hanging over them, and are honor bound to follow them. After securing the original document and using a complicated procedure involving lemon juice and heat, we found the following secret terms: :-Bros admits that Mary is better at Scrabble. :-MK shall sign a PIAT with the NPO, which can only be canceled when the Pacific deems the treaty has run its course or when a former NPO Imperial Officer is made Monarch and then goes all rebellion on the Order, as former officers are wont to do. :-MK is never allowed to nuke the NPO. Ever. EVER. No, not even then. Ok, just six more nuclear wars, but that's it. :-When the NPO walks by you can't pretend that you don't know who we are. That's just cold. :-Bros needs to get a better radio show. There are not enough drugs in the world to make that entertaining. Since the instrument of surrender did not include having the NPO remove secret terms permanently applied to other alliances, the secret terms will guide the life of the Mushroom Kingdom for many years to come. There are also many, many other secret terms that the New Pacific Order is currently enforcing. Because they're secret and too terrible for the general population's mind to grasp, they are *CENSORED* and can only be viewed in the Pacifican Edition, which is located HERE. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ Karma violates MHA Sovereignty Like a Mormon ripping up a lesbian marriage certificate, Karma illegally voids MHA/NPO treaty Magrathea, Mostly Harmless Alliance: Signed at the height of MHA-NPO relations, the Order at the End of the Universe treaty, a wholly remarkable treaty, was a landmark document which sealed Alliance and Order relations for the long haul, especially with the famous Article IV which unequivocally stated where the allies stood. :IV. Order at the End of the Universe :This Pact shall preserve Order in Cybernations until the End of the Universe. Our relationship has been built over years of loyalty and multiple wars. This agreement shall not be cancelled except upon 1 year advance notice to the other, and is intended to survive as long as Cybernations survives. We have decided where we stand, and we stand together until the End of the Universe. While the two alliances has drifted somewhat apart, honor demands that they defend one another through the ages, however Karma decided that it had the legal authority to infringe upon MHA sovereignty by having the Pacificans dissolve the treaty and ignore the cancellation clause. While ignoring the cancellation clauses of treaties is something that comes lightly and commonly to many on the Karma side of the world, alliances such as the Mostly Harmless Alliance and the New Pacific Order firmly believe that honor cannot be suspended. While all acknowledge that Karma can require the Order to initiate the dissolution of the treaty in exchange for peace, it is impossible for the Order to ignore the one-year cancellation clause. Karma can march into the Palace of Friendship and tear up the document, but the honor and obligation cannot be destroyed. As such, the New Pacific Order has issued a Declaration of Defense. Until July 19, 2010, any attack on the Mostly Harmless Alliance will be viewed as an attack upon the New Pacific Order. In a private meeting, Imperial Clerk Sir Paul told the MHA ambassador to the Order that he would "see them at the end of the Universe." An MHA spokesperson, when asked to comment on Karma's infringement of sovereignty on their treaty, muttered something about "what goes around comes around." --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ PaulsLIST Ads Paul's List: Like Craigslist would be if it was PG-13 Springfield, SIR PAUL: With the media budget at an all-time low, the Tabloid Tribune will now be hosting personal ads. If you would like to place one, please send me a personal message for rates and content restrictions. ---- LOVE CONNECTION Let's build an empire together Single red female seeks nation to join her "coalition of the willing." I was recently forced out of a long-term relationship and am currently paying off a large settlement to some real jerks. I seek someone who is looking to settle down and build an alliance together. Size, color, and religion don't matter, but loyalty and stamina do. If you're drifting around aimlessly, I'm medium-sized so there's room for us to grow together. I've got a lot of experience that matches well if you're older, but I'm very willing to teach some of you younger guys (or gals). Don't be afraid to stop by my place and chat for a bit. -Lady Pacifica SHOUT OUT A haiku for my good buddy Echelon: When I torture you I'll skip your hands so you may Sign your confession -Love, Karma Surrender Term #8 HEY YOU GUYS Dear World, I was sick but now I'm feeling much better. I thank Mary for looking after things while I was away, although she is not getting her cleaning deposit back on the Imperial Palace. It looks like the place was bombed or something. Anyway, I'm Emperor of the Order again, so just wanted you all to know. -Emperor Revenge YOUR AD HERE - CONTACT SIR PAUL ---- --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN __________ Sir Paul's Sing-Along War Report #5 Yea, it's gonna be like that. Francograd, New Pacific Order - The Imperial Clerk has released his latest sing-along war report, which can be found HERE. All sing-along war reports are available in this thread. --- Written by Sir Paul The Tabloid Tribune - One Step Ahead of the Truth Proudly Part of PNN Issue #149 The Tabloid Tribune One Step Ahead of the Truth Since September 2003 World Edition - Pacifican Edition Published on August 1, 2009 =Other Pacific News Network Publications= Category:Publications of the New Pacific Order Category:News Publications